Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize