I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
