I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Come on in and take your pants off
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