Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
