i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
