Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
MIDGETS
????
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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