I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
