If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
