life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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