U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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