my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
