Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I met the friendliest cop last night
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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