I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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