Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wish there were birth control emojis
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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