life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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