Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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