now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
