I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize