i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize