Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
