I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
