Don't make out with my wife yet
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
