Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
