He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
