Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
