The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
