I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
