Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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