I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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