So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
