Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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