my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
