I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
