so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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