The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
