Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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