chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
