If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
