I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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