guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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