you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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