my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
