Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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