I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
