i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
