i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
