I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
