You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
