dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
