I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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