why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
