dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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