I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
